When all are one and one is all

all is fucked

2005-11-26T09:44:16Z

Well, I guess it's about that time again... for me to you-know-what...
I kind of just don't want to say it. That way when the time comes, if I just don't fully recognize what I'm doing, maybe it won't be as scary.
And my friends will definately be more supportive.
Not that I really have much of those anymore... that's why I'm also not to hesitant to do what I'm going to do.

And on the note of no friends...
Tarah, I'm sorry for whatever new thing I've apparently done to ruin your life. I thought things were cool between us again and I was really super-duper excited and happy. I can't figure out what I've done now, though. Whatever it was must have been whorendous, though, for Dan to treat me in such a manner. I felt so guiltly and I couldn't figure out what I had done. It's a horrible feeling because you don't know what to apologize for or why you're such a bad person - or if you even need to feel that way.
Will you please tell me? So I can maybe make up for what I did?
I mean, I know that that one time that I called you I asked you if you knew anybody in PDX, and that was very upsetting for him - and you, too, I'm assuming - but he was treating me like a slave owner before that. That only made it worse, and I haven't spoken to you since than. I was hoping that I could make everything up to you before I you-know-what. I would hate to not have the comfort of your friendship in such rough waters up ahead, I really really really miss you.
Please, please, please, please, please tell me what I've done and what I can do to make things right again. You were such a huge help and comfort when I was in the hospital. I would hate to lose that kind of friendship...
So, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease tell me why Dan made me cry so hard I almost pissed myself in my friend Jamie's car.

... how embarassing.

And also, Merry X-mas every one. And Happy New Year.
Please, if anyone else has any discrepancies or beef with me that they need to clear up - especially if you think I don't know about it, don't know enough about it, or seem to just not care enough about it - let me know so we can try to clear the air. I hate to have that hanging over all of us during the holidays.

I really miss having friends. Especially hanging out with my good friends that I can talk to. I haven't talked to anyone close to me recently, and I fear no one really is, as of late. Especially most recently. I've had a good pity-party cry about it 6 times in the past two days - like a chump - just from thinking about what's coming up next month. From thinking about what I'm about to go through with no friends, no support, no one to talk to (besides my mom, which has been nice lately, but definately not what I really need right now). And no real hope of making any new friends very quickly or have any one any time soon. And especially not good friends, you can't just start hanging out with some one and be able to completely trust them. You may think you're able to, but you don't really know them. Who am I trying to kid?
I have two possible new friend prospects. Emphasis on "possible". I so don't want to get my hopes up, I mean look at me now. It's pretty f-ing depressing. I would say that I have three, and even maybe (but still maybe), four possible; but, STILL, who am I trying to kid?!

RACHEL GET YOUR SELF A FUCKING LIFE
AND LEARN HOW TO KEEP A FUCKING FRIEND OR TWO FUCK HEAD

That reminds me, I need to call another lost cause of mine, Kamran.
I should touch base with Lieb, too.

Alison, I want to see you very, very soon, too. Before you drift any farther from me than you already have. Before you're unobtainable.
Or are you? Please tell me before you end up like Tarah to me, where I try to call you and your boyfriend (or some one else close to you) grabs the phone from your hand to tell me how bad of a friend that I am and to never call back.
I can handle rejection.. but I can't handle that fucking hard of a rejection from some one that I love so much.
Ali, I love you so much. Call me if by the time you've read this I haven't called you.. because I'm about to go pass out.

Tarah, I love you, too... ALOT. Please believe me.
Please tell me how I've wronged and if I even have a chance of making it right.

Rachel,
you're fucked up

Yes, you,
Rachel

backwardpurpose @ 2005-10-01T00:27:00

2005-10-01T07:47:28Z

What is the direct proportionate
Of two kindered spirits moving
At 60 miles per hour by train due north
And the other traveling 45 miles per hour extremely south?
Will they ever meet again?
It's an amazing coincedence that once I totally forgot about you,
You were back in my mind
And on the distant horizon.
I was approaching you on the other side of the world.

I fucking suck.

backwardpurpose @ 2005-09-26T18:48:00

2005-09-27T01:48:48Z

First day of school today.. whoopee.
Now I just need a job.

And I'm back

2005-09-22T12:05:43Z

Because I'm the mickity mickity mack daddy.
(crack attack)
And that's whickity whickity whack.

mickity mickity mack daddy.
mickity mickity mack daddy.
mickity mickity mack daddy.mickity mickity mack daddy.mickity mickity mack daddy.
mickity mickity mack daddy. mickity mickity mack daddy.
mickity mickity mack daddy.

mickity mickity mack daddy.

If bitches talk smack...

Which they have been doing a lot of, as it turns out.
Oh well, live and let ~~live~~die.

Outtie 5.
Rachel.

backwardpurpose @ 2005-03-27T15:46:00

2005-03-27T20:47:41Z

Right now I'm in the hotel lobby of the Best Western on Miami Beach. It's really warm and muggy here. I need to repaint my nails.
I'll be home tomorrow and I am now 18. I bought some Florida Lottery scratch tickets yesterday and won nine bucks, but then I lost five on more tickets. But atleast I made my money back.

I also bought some cigars today, at two different places, BUT NO BODY IDed ME!
I was so P'D0. wtf.

I sent out post cards but I'm not sure if they're there yet. There's got to be some sort of huge party in the next couple nights. I mean, par-tay. Eddie better be ready for this.
I got his birthday presents and Kelly's birthday presents in Jamaica.
I got Eddie some Jamaican marijuana sweat bands and a cuban cigar.
I'm not going to post what I got Kelly, though, because she reads this.

suck suckity
Rachel.

backwardpurpose @ 2005-03-16T11:24:00

2005-03-16T19:23:24Z

I'm leaving this evening around 5:30. But I have a lot of stuff to do until then.
I'm pretty excited, though. Did any one leave me their address?

it's my birthday too, yeah... eddie

2005-03-15T02:31:18Z

My birthday is in 12 days. Pretty cool, but I'm not all that excited. Kelly's is in 10. Which is better.
Kelly - I'm going to purchase your gift in the Carribean - so it will be cooler than the lame American shit we have here.
"Made in Oregon".. pshhh

I'm leaving for my vacation in three days, well two technically. Wednesday night we're going up to Portland to stay at my grandma's house because our plane leaves so early in the morning.
Tarah, if you aren't busy Wednesday afternoon we should hang out before I leave.
PLZ. I heart you X 93878435

A Note To All:
Give me your addresses so I can send you post cards of pretty tropical things.
Give them to me ASAP!
I only have two days to collect them.

Thank you very much,
Rachel Berginer.

Hey, guess what. My life is really awesome

2005-02-24T22:02:49Z

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-17T10:53:00

2005-02-17T18:55:12Z

Hello everyone. I just got out of the shower. It was very refreshing. I love my new shaver, it's so convenient.
I need to make something to eat, soon. My dad and I are going to fix my car today. I also have to unload the dishwasher and put the clothes away in my room.
But then I will have my car back. w00t. I've been driving the Stratus for too long, although I do love that car.
I also thought the car that Dylan's been driving looks an awful lot like Joe's car.
Kamran and I are turning in apps. today. How exciting. I need to know where my hair dryer is.
FJSHDFJSDf
Rachel.

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-15T09:44:00

2005-02-15T17:44:47Z

I HAVE A MASSIVE HEAD ACHE IT HURTS SO BAD
going out to lunch today. hello everyone.

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-14T20:04:00

2005-02-15T04:04:50Z

I need to go get my wallet. W00T
Why am I so stupid? I feel like a really big idiot and I know that I look like one.
And my nose is red like one.

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-13T09:24:00

2005-02-13T17:25:30Z

I'm home. I'm officially a member of STown.
I feel really sick today. I think I have a minor case of Bronchitis. UGH
I think I'm going to go to Portland tonight and see Tarah anyway. I'm sure we won't be too rowdy or stay up terribly late, so I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.
I won't DIE from being sick... but I might die if I don't see Tarah.

LIFE IS SO FUCKING DRAMATIC.
I drove around not finding Joe's house and got really upset. HOCKEY DOES NOT HELP WHEN YOU'RE HURTIN'

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-11T09:32:00

2005-02-11T16:33:36Z

I guess I don't see her as beautiful as all the rebels tell me
And it's only circumstantial, the reasons they yell at me.
I forget the many reasons why I can not stay with you.
But the fact that you're completely oblivious is up to you.
Does this make sense?
I digress...

mama, i'm comin' home

2005-02-11T05:10:30Z

Tomorrow morning leaving for home. Going to stop in Belding.. or some name like that in Utah. Or some state like that.
Be home Saturday night around dinner time. I think I'll stop by that Falcon show and then go to the party that STown is throwing.
How exciteable.

Rain drops keep falling on my head

2005-02-10T09:19:05Z

It looks like you're spending the evening with Little Richard.

I really can't handle my life. I'm so happy to be coming home.
w00t.

But seriously.
OH my GOD!

Rachel.

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-09T15:22:00

2005-02-09T22:22:54Z

So Sponge Bob wears crocs and tames sea horses.
Don't be afraid, I'm just a talking sponge, is all.

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-09T13:59:00

2005-02-09T21:00:04Z

I need to take a shower and then continue packing. I just got home and I'm watching Tuesday Two Play (the best) and Hey Arnold (I think).
I actually don't know what the hell I'm watching in here.
Finish packing today. I hate packing.

peppy the yard man

2005-02-08T20:01:20Z

TODAYS NOT FAT TUESDAY!

let's all jump!!!

aka. drink

consuela the maid

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-08T12:50:00

2005-02-08T19:53:27Z

I need to pack today and then go to the Blooming Fool. I'm not sure if I'm going to take a shower or not. I really want some real juice but all we have is Martinelli's sparkling apple and grape juice.
I WANT ORANGE JUICE!
I don't like these comedians I'm watching

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-08T02:32:00

2005-02-08T09:32:48Z

I hung out with Jules and Marc tonight. Weird. His girlfriend came and picked him up. Even weirder.
But I'm close, oh so close, to coming home. So fuck him

backwardpurpose @ 2005-02-07T00:41:00

2005-02-07T07:41:36Z

South Park is possibly one of the best shows on earth

w00t

2005-02-07T02:44:19Z

Rachel was a girl who thought she was a loner
But she knew it couldn't last.
Rachel left her home in Salem, Oregon
For some Colorado grass.
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged.

my mouth tastes like licorice root... yum

2005-02-05T22:02:01Z

I went shopping and I spent a ton of money on groceries. It's good, though, because now I won't have to for a while.
I'm waiting for Laura to come home so she can help me pack. I think tonight I'm going to hang out with Nate tonight, for a while. Then I told Jules I would call her.

Is clock stoppers a good movie? So far I've watched about 30 seconds of it. But they've got a good Dandy Warhols song playing. It's just playing on comedy central, there's been like a movie marathon on it today or something..
Oh shit, it's getting rowdy.

Oh yeah, I also need to go to the neighbors house to burn CDs today. That should be good.

Rachel.

Are yoe ready for this?

2005-02-05T17:39:49Z

Good thing I don't have to work today. I'm going to pack and buy groceries. Tonight I'm going to whiskey saturnight at Nate's for the last time. It's kind of bitter sweet moving back. I'm going to be SUPER happy when I'm home, but I'm going to miss some of my friends here and my job. I don't think I'm going to be able to find a job that pays this well.

My nose hurts. I'm watching full house.

We need to think of a way toi get them alone together.
How can they be alone if they're together?

What a fucking witty show.
Rachel.

everybody seems to think i'm crazy, i don't mind, i think they're crazy

2005-02-04T17:58:55Z

</marquee></b>I DONT WANT TO GO TO WORK
I never want to go to work again